A chapter closes as season ends
By: Rachael Horne
Issue date: 3/10/05 Section: Sports
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In the days after my team's bitter loss to Wash. U. ending our season and my career as a basketball player, I found myself wandering over to the gym at the same time I always do. Somehow I expected to see my teammates in the locker room. I expected to walk in and someone shout "what's up" and throw my practice jersey in my face. The familiar bustle of activity before games and practice was absent now. Nobody was there to greet me and motivate me about working out.
That's when I realized I was going through the five stages of grief. Everything just felt so odd. This thing, a silly sport that has been a huge part of my life for as long as I can remember, was over. I couldn't really believe it.
The next stage is anger. In this stage we blame others. We become easily agitated and have emotional outbursts. We also blame ourselves. Everytime I thought about that last game, I became upset. Was there anything more I could have done? I played so poorly. I was embarrassed. I let my teammates down and the fans. I was so mad. And this led me to the next stage.
Bargaining. I was willing to offer anything to take away the reality of what has happened. Any deal I could think of was running through my head. I would work a little harder, or run a little faster if only I could play one more game or re-play the last one. Then it hit me. I couldn't and that made me sad.
Depression came next. I was listless and tired. Little things the next day could make me burst into tears at anytime. In this stage people question their purpose of life. I was no different. How would I define myself now? I was always an athlete. I thought of myself as many things, but when people asked me what I do or what my interests are I almost always started with "I play basketball." Not because that's what I wanted people to know, it's just what was usually on my mind.
Finally I reached the last stage of grief. Acceptance. Life had to go on. It was time to regain energy and excitement for the future. I realized new goals and experiences await. Sure I'll probably still wander over to the gym, thinking it's time for practice. I'll find and empty locker room. But the pain will be less intense. I'll open my locker and smile thinking of the good times and not how it ended.
Someone might ask me to shoot some baskets or play a pick-up game. It won't be the same as competing, nothing will. But I went through the stages, and now I can move on.
I've been playing a sport for as long as I can remember and now this chapter in my life is closed.
